Rage-Baking at Midnight

I recently found myself googling “substitutions for margarine in baking.” (Was I rage-baking at midnight? Maybe. Did I choose the right substitution? I did not. Did I still eat half a pan of fucked-up brownies before giving up in frustration? I did.) The point is, I was still fuming as I tried in vain to push my rage down and go to sleep. It was going to be an incredibly long night if I couldn’t figure out how to calm the fuck down. I tried some deep, relaxing breaths. In for four, hold for four, out for four. The more I focused on my breathing, the more I felt like smothering someone. Okay. Time to pivot. I turned on some calming music for sleep. You’ll be surprised to hear I didn’t feel any fucking calmer. I even tried a meditation for progressive relaxation. Couldn’t get through the first minute. This was all pointless. I got up and started pacing. I considered a second batch of brownies, this time with a different substitution – and that’s when it hit me. Why aren’t there substitutions for traditional mindfulness practices? More specifically, cunty substitutions for mindfulness. I sat down and started to write: 

Deep Breathing – maybe one of the most recommended regulating practices, popular because you can do it anytime, anywhere. 

Cunty Substitution – say “Fuck you, motherfucker!”  Also can be done anytime, anywhere.

Yoga – an intentional way to move energy through your body. 

Cunty Substitution – Rage dancing. Different music, different movement, same result.

Gratitude list – a great way out of a negative headspace is to focus on the positive.

Cunty Substitution – Spellwork. Direct your negativity with purpose. (Not all cunts are witches, but all witches are definitely cunty. IYKYK.)

Brew a cup of tea – Peppermint, chamomile, or even earl grey. The ritual is as soothing as the tea itself.

Cunty Substitution – Chocolate. A lot of it. (Although if you are baking, I recommend you have the correct ingredients.)

Guided Meditation- a traditional guided meditation can be calming.

Cunty Substitution – Mindfulness for Cunts meditation. Try one, you’ll see the difference!

This was as far as I got before the timer went off for my brownies. (Yes, I made the second batch, don’t fucking judge me!)

What ended up quieting my rage that night was a combination of stuffing my face with chocolate, screaming “Fuck you, motherfucker!” and writing our Mindfulness for Cunts meditation on fueling your anger. I highly recommend it – minus the first half pan of brownies, obviously.

What about you? What are your favorite cunty substitutions?